Thursday, December 20, 2018

depression & appreciation

I am not a bright student. I scored B for my science subject during UPSR. Somehow, I managed to score A for science during PMR and unfortunately, luck never wants to stay with me, and I got B+ for my biology for SPM.

I hardly understand anything about science. those cells and membranes and mitochondria. I could say that I just membabi-buta hafal everything from the first day I knew about science until my pre-clinical years. I had so much stress, so much was going on in my head. I  have never understood anything and to explain? what kind of joke is that? I can barely understand things and now I finished my pre-clinical years.

Image result for gif sad medical student

Almost 3 weeks in surgery posting drives me mad. I have so many things to do, to remember, to practice, to study. Too much. Everything is too much. Back to square one, I am not a bright student.

Yesterday, when I got back from my case presentation and I was walking back to my room, my tears started to roll down my cheeks. When I arrived, I quickly took my 'bantal busuk' and cried.

"I am stupid"
"I will never understand anything"
"Why am I here?"
"How am I gonna be a doctor"
"Am I gonna be a good doctor?"
"Do I heal or make things worse for my patients later?"

The negative thoughts have been running in and out of my head. Everything was negative. Everything. While my eyes are both sinking in the deep sea, I can clearly hear my parent's voice telling me to study hard. To always be patient. To keep my heart strong. And that? That makes everything worse.

But what makes me feels okay today? Like nothing happened yesterday is that I want to be stronger and I know that I need to make my parents proud of me. Proud of their only daughter. Proud of telling others their daughter is a doctor. (wow that rhymes)

And, I am really really grateful for having my friends with me. They literally ignored me when I cried. (Everytime) They do not come and hug me. They do not tell me to stop or encourage me to cry more haha. They did nothing.

At that time.

But after that, they help me in a way that I always amazed of. They carry me out from the "depression zone". They give support but not in giving words. They pretend like nothing happened, but they do care by acting everything was normal. They suddenly decided to do a group discussion, and ask me if I wanted to join. They share everything they got in the class even when I didn't ask. They know I was weak and they help me in such a way that helps me to wake up from my dreaming dream.

I am not a good explainer so I hope you got what I mean. Whatever it is, I am thankful for my friends and family. tu je, hiks ilal liqa'


Saturday, October 6, 2018

life update? clinical years!

hey everyone. I hope everyone is doing fine. okay, so where to start? #3monthssincelastpost First thing first, Alhamdulillah, I am in my clinical year now! Grateful and really thankful. so a lil bit of life update!

1. First posting

Jadi, untuk posting pertama, I start with Community Medicine & Public Health (CMPH) (if I am not mistaken).  Yang lebih dikenali dengan posting yag paling mudah. To be honest, tak sebegitu mudah dan rilek, cumanya lebih banyak masa dan agak rileks berbanding other posting. Sebabnya, posting ni more to clinics. Observing rather than doing. Pergi klinik-klinik lepastu observe what do they do, the departments contoh macam outpatient department (OPD), Maternal Child and Health Clinic (MCHC) and etc. Untuk this first month, we visited about 3 clinic for now. Yang paling jauh, KK Selangau situates somewhere 1 hour and 30 minutes from Sibu.

Klinik Kesihatan Selangau

What do we really do dekat clinics?
Basically nothing, you just get to observe what do the nurses, the doctors do the examination to the patients. IF you are lucky enough to find a kind nurse, doctors, so you will be lucky enough to examine the patients.

2. Sibu

Yup, you got that right. I am not in Kuching. Sekarang ni, untuk posting pertama dan kedua, we need to be in Sibu. Oh ya, perjalanan from Kuching ke Sibu is quite bad. Due to the pan borneo construction, jalan a bit bumpy. Tapi, the long hours journey is nothing sebab bangun bangun je dah sampai ahaha. Iols tidur jee.

almost all the way from Kuching to Sibu look like this

Basically, Sibu is nice! Especially orang orang dekat sini. Yang I think quite emmmm, sebabnya that most of them are Ibans dan kebanyakannya tidak begitu fasih berbahasa melayu sarawak. Especially the old ones. The middle age people tu okay la. The young ones okay je. Communication is the biggest problem here. Sebab bahasa Iban macam lain gila dengan bahasa melayu sarawak. Serve you right for not registering Iban classes for elective haha.

Other than that, the food. It is quite hard for us, especiallly muslims to find halal food. Sebab Sibu, almost half of them are Chinese. There are quite a lot of Halal restaurants cumanya the one yang near to our college is damn far. Tapi, alhamdulillah ada satu kedai, dekat je. Jadi macam kantin kiter orang je. Hahaha. So thankful for that, Alhamdulillah. Our college sebenarnya rumah kedai. So, semua benda dekat bawah. Senang je. Gym pun ada dekat bawah, tapi tak pernah lagi pergi sana untuk exercise or lepak there cause his girl here is so lazy.

college!

Yang menariknya tentang Sibu adalah hampir semua kedai dekat sini tutup awal gila. Pukul 9.15 malam macam tu, almost everyone dah ready untuk tutup kedai. Supermarket pun. Amazing right? Another thing yang paling palign seronok about Sibu is, waktu solat! Comparinf Sibu to Semenanjung, contoh macam maghrib semenanjung kan 7.30, tapi sini 6.30 dah maghrib ahah. The sad thing is, we are not gonna celebrating puasa here! Sooooo sad, or else we can berbuka a bit awal here. Walaupun subuh lagi awal than others, tapi it is okay sebab kelas start sama jugak, 8 atau 9 pagi. So yeah, sama je.


In short, I hope our journey gonna end beautifully and everyone gonna pass out third year. InsyaAllah. Hopefully. I think that is all from me. Ilal liqa'

Monday, July 2, 2018

alahai sayang

"kakak, sehari kakak beli makanan berapa eh?"

jadi, itu antara sedikit inti mesej daripada adik aku. his 6th day being in a university. somehow his question membawa rasa tak senang duduk sambil diri ini dihujani berbagai soalan. dah makan ke dia? dia tak cukup duit ke? dia makan apa? and the list goes on. 

A few hours later, we whatsapp-ed me and told me that his book went missing. Because he left it at the atm (rasanya). dapat duit terus terlupa buku. hahah ok joke. lost in his words, I called him.

Me: "ok cuba cerita"
Him: " ..... baru dapat buku, bayar pun belum..... pergi atm..... tertinggal........ dah tanya kawan, ada orang cakap ada ........ pergi pergi, takde pun .."

2 (which is actually a small) problem, with him being alone. (he do have friends) buatkan aku rasa tak senang duduk. benda kecik je, tapi sampai contact abah sebab risau pasal adik. tanya kawan kawan yang ada adik dekat univerisit dia gak, sebab ingat nak tolong settle kan. tapi, a friend of mine told me, that he will go through it. paling teruk akibat from his act is kena marah je. being a sister, doesn't mean we need to settle it for him. and kalau tolong pun, kebergantungan itu akan tetap ada. persoalannya, sampai bila? 


dan masa tulah, aku baru sedar that I shouldn't do this. As a sister, I believe that I need to guide him to solve his problems. not to solve it. ibarat, kalau kita nak seseorang berjaya, bukan dengan cara memberi nasi dan ikan, tetapi bagi joran dan benih padi. jalan yang membuahkan kejayaan itu, tidak hadir dengan pelangi dan bunga, sebaliknya bersama peluh dan usaha.

I remember the day when my youngest brother entered the boarding school, and I am here. dekat sarawak. I remeber how sad I was, crying on my prayer mat. hoping that he will be okay and safe. LOL he entered the boarding school je kot, bukan pergi perang.

That is why I named this post "Alahai sayang" sebab tercakap camtu bila risau ahaha over gila sayang nya rasa pada adik. rasa nak peluk, simpan je dalam bilik. and later, I will take care of you. tapi, itu bukan cara yang terbaik. kadang kadang sayang itu dengan cara melepaskan.

apa pun, I really hope my brothers akan berjaya, bukan hanya di dunia tetapi juga di akhirat. and the same goes to anyone yang sedang membaca. Moga Allah permudahkan perjalanan jihad menuntut ilmu ini untuk kita. salam sayang buat semua, Ilal liqa'

buat adik adik, please know that i really really love you guys ahaha kbye