I hardly understand anything about science. those cells and membranes and mitochondria. I could say that I just membabi-buta hafal everything from the first day I knew about science until my pre-clinical years. I had so much stress, so much was going on in my head. I have never understood anything and to explain? what kind of joke is that? I can barely understand things and now I finished my pre-clinical years.
Almost 3 weeks in surgery posting drives me mad. I have so many things to do, to remember, to practice, to study. Too much. Everything is too much. Back to square one, I am not a bright student.
Yesterday, when I got back from my case presentation and I was walking back to my room, my tears started to roll down my cheeks. When I arrived, I quickly took my 'bantal busuk' and cried.
"I am stupid"
"I will never understand anything"
"Why am I here?"
"How am I gonna be a doctor"
"Am I gonna be a good doctor?"
"Do I heal or make things worse for my patients later?"
The negative thoughts have been running in and out of my head. Everything was negative. Everything. While my eyes are both sinking in the deep sea, I can clearly hear my parent's voice telling me to study hard. To always be patient. To keep my heart strong. And that? That makes everything worse.
But what makes me feels okay today? Like nothing happened yesterday is that I want to be stronger and I know that I need to make my parents proud of me. Proud of their only daughter. Proud of telling others their daughter is a doctor. (wow that rhymes)
And, I am really really grateful for having my friends with me. They literally ignored me when I cried. (Everytime) They do not come and hug me. They do not tell me to stop or encourage me to cry more haha. They did nothing.
At that time.
But after that, they help me in a way that I always amazed of. They carry me out from the "depression zone". They give support but not in giving words. They pretend like nothing happened, but they do care by acting everything was normal. They suddenly decided to do a group discussion, and ask me if I wanted to join. They share everything they got in the class even when I didn't ask. They know I was weak and they help me in such a way that helps me to wake up from my dreaming dream.
I am not a good explainer so I hope you got what I mean. Whatever it is, I am thankful for my friends and family. tu je, hiks ilal liqa'